saving lives

I've been working in EMS for a little over 5 years now. I've never really "saved" a life. Until today.

I've been on a lot of calls. I've seen a lot of different things, and I know I've helped people. But I could never really pin point a time in which someone was dying and I helped make the difference between life and death. Today that changed, albeit unfortunately. Today I was on a BLS crew who saved a 79 year old woman from cardiac arrest. We got there and she was dead. When we left her in the ER, she was breathing on her own without assistance. Unfortunately, this was not her wish. Shortly after we shocked her with the AED twice, the nursing home staff informed us she had a valid DNR. At this time, she was already attempting to breath on her own, and her heart rate was strong and steady. It felt really strange. I wanted to be proud of my first save, but I can't be with this one. I don't feel bad for what I did, everyone knows we were only acting on the information we had at the time. So I have no feelings of remorse or regret. I just wish I could feel good about the save. There's a good chance I'll never be on another call like this when the person is dead when you arrive and alive when you leave. I was hoping it'd be more fulfilling.

Oh well. At least I'm pulling a double and working tonight at the U. Great.